Air travel is quite an experience nowadays.

I hadn’t ventured on board since the new security panic measures were put in place. I checked in online for my Virgin flight to SA, hoping this would ease some of the pressure and I also went online to pay the additional airport tax, which had been implemented since buying the ticket. Thanks to Virgin who carried half the costs, it ended up only being half of the £40 I had anticipated on paying more.

Our road trip to Heathrow from Brighton was pleasant until we got onto the M25 where Friday afternoon traffic greeted us in overwhelming quantity and we saw the minutes tick by while we sat practically stalled in the snarl up. One tends to forget how huge Heathrow is. I got a glimpse of that, as we drove, well actually crawled, into our terminal short stay parking building. The back of this building faces onto other parking buildings and it looks like a parking building city.

That’s not to forget the mega number of buses that take passengers there and the railway stations that feed the airport’s various terminals. Once we got to Virgin’s check-in area, via a round trip due to building operations, we still had to queue to drop the bags off, even though I had booked in previously. There were a fair number of floating Virgin staff and I was impressed with how they were trying to make the process quicker for passengers.

By now the plan of having a quick good-bye bite at the airport with my daughter, had been shelved, and we had time for a take-away coffee, which we consumed while walking in the queue towards security. That queue seemed to start almost outside the building. I had visions of not actually getting to my flight at all. But the queue moved and there is some facility for fast tracking the system if required. A hasty farewell when I got to the door, and I was in the cattle pens moving towards the x-ray machines. If anybody had sat down to design a system that ensured the experience for travellers could be as unpleasant as possible, I cannot imagine they could have come up with this. It is beyond unpleasant.

These new security measures were introduced in September/August 2006 because of the unlikely new terrorist threat of liquid bombs, which had been thought of by the security authority in the UK. Since then, no improvements have been made to the security processes, which supposedly had been set-up under panic circumstances i.e. with no time for planning and proper implementation. I can only imagine that the reason why the airport authority can get away with this inhumane treatment of people is because they have a monopoly. Nowhere else would a customer accept this treatment. An en masse vote by feet walking out would ensue.

An excuse by the airport management could be that the threat of terrorism allows them to treat every customer as a potential terrorist. This would mean for instance that Waitrose or Marks & Spencer would treat every customer as possible shoplifters by implementing long queues and searching all bags. Presumed guilty until proven innocent. Of course as a traveller one doesn’t really mind some inconvenience for the sake of security. But one does expect that the airport authority in this instance makes some attempt to implement security checks with some courtesy towards travellers.

What was really the most amusing was the final check on shoes, which had obviously been set up as a total add-on. The milling around in this particular pen was so disorganised, that I could not see whether there was actually anybody checking to see if all passengers were having their shoes scanned. Anybody with intent could have sneaked through without x-raying his or her shoes.

The duty free shopping had to be a fly-by process, i.e. I flew past shelves grabbing the nearest bottle that looked like a brand I knew and hopefully could trust. The till attendant spent agonising minutes giving another cashier change until I was finally through to take on the very long hike to my final exit gate. Although the travelator helps a little, especially when carrying a bag with a very heavy computer in it, the long corridors to boarding areas are quite something. I was sorry I didn’t make use of one of the motorised people carriers. I keep on forgetting my age and the fact that the wrinkly face could be used to advantage. Add a manufactured limp, and I could quite easily avail myself of this service.

As flights go this was as uncomfortable as most. On arrival in Cape Town, I walked through first class to get out and those little sleeping pens didn’t really look any better either, especially at the additional ticket costs. However, Virgin’s tie in with its entertainment arm was great and the many movies on offer were a welcome distraction from the general unpleasantness of flying.

Somehow, the flight did not have the requisite number of staff, although the pilot did assure us that we had regulation minimum numbers. This meant that everything came to us after many hours of delay. It wasn’t bad though and I really felt sorry for the few staff who ran themselves ragged and still managed to be pleasant. Must be hugely daunting to think that three or four of you have to serve two meals to four hundred or so people, in the smallest possible spaces available.

The descent over Cape Town was spectacular. I was reminded that summer is dry though looking at the difference in the colour of grass to what England had been on departure. My flight was definitely a tourist one, and I was very happy to be able to use the very short SA passport/ permanent resident counters queue. Of course that arrival lounge is a huge pleasure, if one thinks of the one awaiting one at Heathrow. Quick nip through customs as I have an honest face I think, as I have never been stopped and into the welcome heat. The Cape Town wind keeps things cooler and the 26 degrees weren’t really unpleasant.

And as airport authority staff goes, Heathrow could learn from this little African one, that the experience can be made to be pleasant. I suppose the volumes of travellers could make a difference. We were bussed past about four international aeroplanes in Cape Town. But huge volumes of people in Heathrow doesn’t excuse the staff’s unpleasant surly behaviour, the frightfully claustrophic queues, and the whole system which is somehow menacing and inhuman. One could imagine that the science fiction writers have been through Heathrow when one reads their take on barren landscapes and scary Armageddon type scenarios.